sugar mama

I like sugar, but I'm not a mama.

Yesterday was a tough day for Sophie. And that means it was a tough day for me. She's teething and has all these skin problems like eczema, and she was so bothered by it all that she wouldn't stop crying. Every time I put her down she would freak out until I picked her up again, and she's not as light as balloon anymore. I was pretty horrible in that I got frustrated with her; somehow I'd forgotten that she wasn't doing it for mere attention--she's a freaking baby and that's what babies do when they're upset about something. I was idiotic in assuming that she knew better and got fed up a few times. Thank God my sister was here to take her. Yea I feel pretty stupid about that. Maybe I've been inside for too long and lost sense of reality. I mean all I have are the internet and cable TV-- but you can only look at hollywoodrag.com and Disney morning children shows and feel connected to the world for so long. She's doing much better today though. She's trying so hard to crawl but her stomach's too big that she stays in one spot flailing her arms and legs without progressing. She looks like she's swimming.

All this babysitting and doing nothing productive this summer has helped me decide that I don't want to settle down. Yet. The summer's going the way that I had hoped and prayed it would go. After forgoing a research grant and grad school, I decided that I was going to do a lot of family and friend stuff. Just to be with people. I haven't had just an extended amount of chill time since 9th grade. Missions trips, jobs, traveling and all that kept me away from home and chilling to the max. So in Denmark the importance of such actions hit me, and I spent a lot of quality down time with the friends that I'd made, and I really looked forward to coming home and doing all the types of stuff that I did while abroad-- to chill. To just take a seat and not rush or force any activity, but to have quality time in all different forms. So I've been babysitting, going out to dinner, watching movies, shopping, beaching, making and sharing Rice Krispies Treats, etc. Doesn't sound too exciting, and it's not, but I really like it. I kinda feel like Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care or some other main character of a movie where (s)he returns home from a voyage of some sort. Except I'm not a black male and don't star in a motion picture.

But as much as I enjoy being home and doing all the boring home stuff, I'm getting antsy and want to get out and do all this stuff. I don't even know what I would do- but graduating from Bryn Mawr and getting a job would be nice. Being away from the college has made me appreciate the place more and I'm actually really looking forward to going back. Sure, I have my qualms about returning to the bastion of feminist ideals and liberal education, but they're not the typical ones that others would expect. As ridiculous as it sounds, I look forward to working on my thesis and writing another research paper and taking yet another lab class. When I actually get there and start studying my outlook will have definitely changed, but for now I'm excited. There's so much other crap I'd like to do and get into but the trouble is choosing.. and then the next challenge is to get accepted into whatever I want to do. But I'll worry about that later. But yea. Looking forward to all this other stuff makes me know I'm not ready to settle down. It's almost every girl's dream to find the right guy, live in the right house and have the right children. I'm not any different-- but I can wait a little longer for that to come.

But. What am I supposed to do while people are being kidnapped and shot in foreign lands? What can I do?