if you could do it over..

.. would you?

I entered senior year with the intent of making the best of everything. To serve my family group to my fullest. To spend crucial time with my friends. To visit Sophie any free moment. To study ahead of time. To work out and eat healthier. To go head-first into my thesis. Ah. My thesis.

When I entered as a freshman, the thesis seemed like such a daunting task. I think it was freshman year, or maybe sophomore year, when I was alone in the computer lab with one other girl who started crying hysterically when she finally printed out her thesis. It freaked me out- but then again I thought I understood why she would feel that way. I blogged about it on my xanga, and I remember saying that she must've been overwhelmed with all these different emotions.

And now I'm a senior, finishing up my own thesis. Well, more like creating-in-the-last-minute. It's Saturday night/Sunday morning, and the paper that is to be the culmination of my four years of academics at Bryn Mawr College is due on Tuesday.

Procrastination is a bitch. Not so much that I'm overly stressed out and pressured to get it done-- that hasn't set in quite yet. But this is obviously not going to be up to par with what I had originally expected from myself. Yea, it's only a paper. But I came into the year actually excited to write it. It started out much more personal than just a paper. But over the course of the semester it turned into the bane of my existence.

I'm tired of procrastinating- in everything. After next week I have only one more semester to make the best of things. That's so weird. I still feel like I'm 17, and I look it too, but in fact I'm turning 22 on Monday and in a week I'll be half done with my last year of my undergraduate studies.

But there's a lot to look forward to after this. I got one more semester with my family group, my friends, to take advantage of the short carride to see Sophie, to do my work. I'm not so sure about working out, but maybe the coming-Jamaica trip will get me to the gym. Maybe I'll better some relationships. Maybe I'll write a children's book. maybe.

I'll probably look at this post when I'm not delirious or sonicflood and think, "wtf." oops. It's 5am.

i witnessed the unthinkable today.

Driving back from Penn, I pulled up onto North Merion Avenue and approached Wyndham to park. There was a white BMW X5 coming towards me, and a golden lab was sticking his head out the window. The car was going slow, thank God, but somehow the dog fell out of the car. He jutted his upper body too far out the window, I guess, and gravity took over and he fell out, hitting his back on a street sign pole and rolling onto the ground.

And I watched the whole thing happen. I braked to a stop and just watched it happen in horror.

The weird thing is, when I saw the dog with his body out the window, I seriously thought, "dude. I hope it doesn't fall out." And it did. It totally fell out of the car.

The lady didn't realize what had happened until she saw my face, I think. Cuz she was madd delayed in her response. She stopped the car and jetted out of her car to make sure the dog was okay. It was kinda sad to watch. but I stayed there in the middle of the street, with two other cars behind me. When I finally felt like it was safe to move up I made eye-contact with the driver and she looked so guilty. Like she knew we were judging her for letting her dog fall out of the car.

The funny part is, the dog was just confused and seemed like it was playing it off. Like a person who falls on his face as he's walking and just gets up and acts nonchalantly like nothing happened. Except it was a dog.

and it's December. crazy.

what?

It's Halloween and only the capies and capie-like girls are dressed up going to class. I just wore my Dr. Seuss tshirt, gapkids zipup, jeans, and a Villanova cap to class. And I stayed awake for ALL of ecology- which was pretty amazing, considering that I haven't been conscious for all of class for about 2 weeks or so.



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Okay. I just deleted the rest of this post. It was ... frustrating. Just a ranting along the lines of "What is wrong with this world. I look at the news and all I feel is upset and sad." :(

Senior year is not pleasant. High school senior year was a call to paaaarrrttayyyyy!!!! But this is different. Academically, you're wrapping up all of the things you learned- or whatever- through a thesis. And trying to finish up your graduation requirements. Life-ly, you're looking for jobs. Your friends are sad because the job hunt is hard and no one wants a girl from a liberal arts school in the suburbs if they can have someone from say, Wharton, which is 20 minutes away. freakin Wharton. Some friends that are older begin getting married, having kids. Other friends the same age are already engaged or finding that guy or girl that makes their world complete (haha ew). And you're not dating or engaged or married. or jubilantly pregnant. You're nearing the ultimate end of childhood-- even though you're legally an adult at 18 and completely totally independent by 21, you're still liable to be under the financial and responsible care of your parents until you graduate. But once out of school, you have to work. Or get married.

With all that said, it's not terrible. It's pretty intense and scary. I don't feel prepared at all for the world. I did not pick up any practical skills useful for the workplace while at Bryn Mawr. I suck at Excel, don't know how to make something into a PDF, suck at economics, can't solve equations. The most impressive thing on my resume is my stint at EXPLO- indicating that I like teaching and beat out a lot of other applicants for that position two summers ago. But not everyone knows what EXPLO is.

But I'm okay. Maybe because the biggest source of stress is my thesis- it's just a paper ultimately. I'm goin to continue to freak out about it, but I won't die because of it. I say that now but in 2 weeks it'll be a different story. ..

Don't really know what this post is about. But I will end with this:

My hair's grown out a lot.

strong and lonely

A few summers ago I went to the mall with my dad and looked for sunglasses. We were in the sunglasses section of Macy's for 45 minutes before I decided I didn't like any of them. He's the type to look at an item for 3 seconds and buy it on the spot, so the wait and my indecisiveness drove him a little crazy.

He called me today asking if I was okay- if I was lonely. I'd mentioned to my mom during lunch today that I've been feeling a bit lonesome because of work and responsibility and not being with my friends as much as I'd like to, and I guess she told my dad because he called sounding sorry for me. I couldn't help laughing when he asked whether a boyfriend would make me feel better.

"What's your style? Any preferences?"
I don't know.
"Come on Soyeonah. You know- that's your problem! You're so picky that you don't even know what you want!"
Okay..
"I know I've been telling you to be expensive and picky, but I give you permission now to loosen up. You can lower your standards. Remember when you dragged me to the mall to buy sunglasses??? You can't do that anymore- you need to know what you want!"
Okay. haha
"Seriously. Appa will come to your school and we can have a date, get some beers, watch a movie, talk about love, your youth, and whatever."
hahahaha okay appa.
"You're what- 22? You got 8 more years to go. You'll be fine. You're a strong girl- you don't need a boy right this second. But what do you want?"
... He can't be shorter than I am.
"he he he he he. Okay. That might be kind of hard, but I'll try my best."

I guess I really am the one most likely to have an arranged marriage.

I guess the point of this post is that parents are pretty great. They annoy and bother you 90% of the time, but all they really want is your happiness. My parents apparently are so eager for me to be happy, and not lonely, that they'll get the guy for me.

I'm actually kinda nervous that my parents are going to ask me to email some Korean dude in the near future. They've already done that to my cousin. They think what they did for her (not to her) was so great. hahahahaha

faith

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for...

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did... By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death... By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family... By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went... By faith Abraham, even though he was past age--and Sarah herself was barren--was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise...

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Hebrews 11.

eclectic

My mom has this obsession with freezing and refrigerating things. She doesn't like things to go to waste so she bags and freezes almost all of our food. Thing is, we don't really eat the leftovers because we forget about them being in the freezer, and it just takes up the shelf-space that should rightfully be holding ice cream and other frozen goodness. But the thing that gets me the most is how she bags and freezes our rice immediately after our first helping of it. I can't leisurely grab kimchi and kim to eat with bap because the bap is always frozen. And I'm too lazy or hungry to wait for the bap to heat up in the microwave so I've been craving Korean food lately.

Waiting for a prescription at Rite Aid I picked up Philadelphia magazine and flipped to the center. The author of the article witnessed the death of a woman in my area and he recounts what happened. http://www.phillymag.com/home/articles/mystery_sideswiped/. Apparently this past April a woman stumbled out of a moving car and she bled from her head and her eyes to death. The divorced mother of two kids, she had graduated from the same school district as I did. Her boyfriend, a D.A. from my county, was driving the car and people who know him say that they aren't surprised that he is caught up in something shady like this. I stood in the middle of the aisle reading this with my mouth gaping. No one at all mentioned this to me. It's a restaurant that everyone goes to; I went in its first week of opening and decided that it's a sham of an Italian restaurant and have never gone back. But we all go to the Rita's right next to it all the time. To think that possible murder happened in the parking lot of a neighborhood restaurant next to a children's destination is so weird. And it's a place where the biggest nuisance comes from cops who like to pull you over for speeding. so weird. I swam in the same pool as this woman in high school.

The cover story of this same issue is about how Philadelphians ruin their kids because of their wealth. Particularly the ones that live in the Main Line area- which is where Bryn Mawr is. These terrible kids are the same ones that students on our campus babysit part-time. It's weird. The highly-paid nannies and babysitters that the articles mention are my classmates. And I almost was one of them- a woman in the voting line in 2004 asked me for my number so I could sit for her kids. She seemed kind of psycho so I deliberately missed her call.

I'm so grateful to ABC for putting their shows online. Ugly Betty is a great show. It distracts me from the crazy amount of work I should be doing. wuteva.

broken hearts

seriously. why all the drama and heartache? what goes on in the brains of those who cheat, lie, and steal?

stop it.