i am so dissatisfied and unhappy.

turn your eyes

I'm not happy with where I am in my life at this moment. But I can't complain. I have a job, in NYC (woo. hoo.), live in a 'sweet apartment' in a great neighborhood, and have no other ties or strings holding me down.  This is ironic because I didn't want to be in this city, don't really like my living arrangement (in that I wanted to be on my own and more independent), the apartment is only 'sweet' because my roommate cousin is anal about keeping things presentable, and there are a lot of situations that I was glad to commit to. I have nothing to do or say with my current situation, besides being the main character of every scene. 

I don't like feeling unappreciative. I can't stand when people feel and/or show nothing in response to the outpour of support they receive, especially when they wouldn't be anywhere without it. But that's exactly how I am right now. Not so much that I don't appreciate it and know that I wouldn't be 'okay' with it, but I didn't want it to begin with. And above it all, I don't feel appreciative of God. That's where everything I know and believe in stems from. I know He's put me where I am right now, but I don't like it. I don't like that I don't like it.

But I know I'm being seasoned for something. But I still don't like it. 

There's so much to worry about. There's so much to fear. Sometimes it's abstract and other times it's so real you can touch it, but you pray to God that you don't. It's terrifying. 

But today was a good day. It was quiet; we've been housing guests for the past 2 weeks and the apartment now houses only 2 people again, and I did some bookstore browsing. I took a nap, went to church, got food, and am back at the apartment. It was one of those days where you're totally aware of God in the little things that you do and are done to you.  

I helped an elderly woman with her heavy suitcase down two broken escalators in the subway. I sat next to a couple in service, during which the husband wrote on the wife's pamphlet. He wrote "me!" I was like 'wtheck?' Then later he wrote "+ you! and drew a huge heart around his writing and pierced it with a double-pointed arrow. The wife read it and smiled and did the "i would hug you but i can't right now so i'll put my head on your shoulder" move. The couple is 50+. I was happy for them.  And we sang the hymn that tells us to "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full on his wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace."

Today has been a good day. 

Annoyed.

i miss you.

Palin-tics

I'm not an expert on politics and I definitely don't have much background to have anything significant to say about the elections, but Sarah Palin makes me laugh. The kind of laugh that you do when you see a stupid person, showing her stupidity but covers it up with "witty" comments and an "endearing" attitude. I can see how the American viewer may get distracted from the fact that she doesn't know anything about anything by her constant reinforcement of taglines. But really, listening to her is like listening to a college freshman paper being read out loud. You know, the paper with a vague thesis, but you earn points for structure and reinforcing the point, which you can't really substantiate with anything else besides the common concluding sentence in every section.

So people say they like her for a number of reasons: she's real, she's strong, she's a pitt-bull, she embodies the American spirit, she can relate to working mothers and even growing young women, etc. Others hate her because she's a farce, because she IS a woman, because she's just a face, because she has no experience or brains and they're afraid is McCain passes, the US will be in the hands of a stupid hockey mom. I don't like her because she is just a face, but she's not even a smart face. She's been trained in what to say, and she delivers her lines well. But those lines suck, the fact that she has to deliver them shows her incompetence, and I see right through them. Half of America sees through them-- no wonder SNL does those spoofs. And they're freaking hilarious.

I'm not writing any of this with any solid background in politics or whatever. But as a woman, I'm embarassed. Palin's a historical figure now that she's the first woman to be a candidate, but she only got there as a political ploy. She's not as qualified as any other male candidate. She got there because she's a woman. And other women are proud of that; they think she deserves it. But she's a prop that can't really contribute much other than witty one-liners that aren't really that witty. That's embarassing.

"hun"

I don't like unnecessary nicknames. Like "babe" when it's said in that terse, trying-too-hard way. That's the real reason why I hate "babe." These nicknames are annoying. And the un-necessity of them makes them stupid. I don't think un-necessity is even a word.

I'm in Panera hoping to get a job application done. The girl at the counter is probably under 20. She looks pretty young. And the first thing she says is "Hey hun! How are you? I'll be right here whenever you're ready." Yea, she's doing her job by being friendly. But she totally ruined it with the "hun."

I don't want to be called "hun" by you, HUN. If you were obviously older than me, I wouldn't mind you calling me "hun." It'd even be nice, maybe. But if you're obviously my peer or even younger, and you're not my friend, I'm not your hun. And the woman who ordered after me is not your hun either. She's got a 5 year-old daughter with her, and I saw the way she reacted when you called her "hun." She didn't like it either.

I've become such a hater. Maybe I am a hun, but more of the scary, destructive Asian variety that you learn about in World History. Sorry girl, I didn't like it. I don't hate you. But I'm annoyed.

geez.
I need Jesus.

B.A.

My study abroad organization had facebooks for each group of abroad students, complete with a picture and basic information about each student. When I saw my information, I sort of regretted my major. And as if on cue, I heard a dude in the back of the bus say, "What the hell is 'Growth and Structure of Cities'?"

I'm in a rough spot with little to no realistic possibilities. At least it feels that way. And it doesn't feel so great.