I don't like feeling unappreciative. I can't stand when people feel and/or show nothing in response to the outpour of support they receive, especially when they wouldn't be anywhere without it. But that's exactly how I am right now. Not so much that I don't appreciate it and know that I wouldn't be 'okay' with it, but I didn't want it to begin with. And above it all, I don't feel appreciative of God. That's where everything I know and believe in stems from. I know He's put me where I am right now, but I don't like it. I don't like that I don't like it.
But I know I'm being seasoned for something. But I still don't like it.
There's so much to worry about. There's so much to fear. Sometimes it's abstract and other times it's so real you can touch it, but you pray to God that you don't. It's terrifying.
But today was a good day. It was quiet; we've been housing guests for the past 2 weeks and the apartment now houses only 2 people again, and I did some bookstore browsing. I took a nap, went to church, got food, and am back at the apartment. It was one of those days where you're totally aware of God in the little things that you do and are done to you.
I helped an elderly woman with her heavy suitcase down two broken escalators in the subway. I sat next to a couple in service, during which the husband wrote on the wife's pamphlet. He wrote "me!" I was like 'wtheck?' Then later he wrote "+ you! and drew a huge heart around his writing and pierced it with a double-pointed arrow. The wife read it and smiled and did the "i would hug you but i can't right now so i'll put my head on your shoulder" move. The couple is 50+. I was happy for them. And we sang the hymn that tells us to "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full on his wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace."
Today has been a good day.
